Random? Me? Never.

I appear to have come down with a cold. Which is never good news. In fact, everything just seems to have piled on top of me lately.

I'm not quite sure when I realised just how emotionally run down I am. But it's affecting me physically now (clearly, I think the last time I had a cold was when I was abbout 8). The emotional thing only started about 3 days ago.I want to be in Plymouth today. As a pose to clearing up after everyone I live with. Now that N appears to have fucked off once again, it's left us a bit stuck. To be quite frank, I'm getting rather sick of him. He needs to make his mind up whether he wants to stay or go, before one of us makes it up for him. I have to admit, life is better without him, but everything changes the minute he walks out the door. To be quite honest, he can go fuck himself. We're better off without him.

Besides that, I managed to wangle the day off work as there were too many of us in, so I've got 4 days off as a pose to 3. Hopefully my cold will be gone by Monday, and I can get back on with being a tiny bit normal again.

If Only Tears Could Bring You Back.

How will I start

Tomorrow without you here

Who's heart will guide me

When all the answers disappear

Is it too late

Are you too far gone to stay

This one's forever

Should never have to go away

What will I do

You know I'm only half without you

How will I make it through

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give

If you returned to me someday

Somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

I'd cry you an ocean

If you'd sail on home again

Waves of emotion

Will carry you, I know they can

Just love will guide you

And your heart will chart the course

Soon you'll be drifting

Into the arms of your true north

Look in my eyes

And you will see a million tears have gone by

And still they're not dry

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give

If you returned to me someday

Somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

I hold you close

And shout the words I only whispered before

For one more chance, for one last dance

There's not a thing I would not endure

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give

If you returned to me someday

Somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

That's it, no more.

I can't take anymore. I need some space. I need some peace and quiet. Imagine how it feels, to go away and have a fantastic couple of days, then come back to what seems to have turned into WW3! All I want to do is sit back, and enjoy the serenity the world has to offer. Just for a week or so. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to have to spend my holiday tidying up after everyone elses mess, or getting up a the crack of a sparrow's fart to make sure someone else is up for work. Please, I want to have my own mind, my own life. Just to live how I want to. I want to be asked for my opinion, and, when I give it, I want it listened to, not just dismissed like I've said nothing. If you listened to me, just once, you'd know how I hurt inside, you'd know how I want it to stop.

I don't want all the attention, but I don't want to be completely pushed away from everything. I just want to be acknowledged. Not taken the piss out of, that's not acknowledged, that's patronised. And if you're going to do that, you can fuck off out of my life right now. I don't need people like you. I need people who mean it when they say they care about me. People who don't just use me for help, or think it's ok to take the piss out of me.

I'm well aware this is turning into a rant, but I couldn't give two fucks. This is the one chance I get to say what I think and feel, and hope to whatever God there may be, that the person/people it's aimed at, pay attention. My condition (PCOS), yes, it has some funny symptoms, but they're funny for you. Not me. Ever thought how it might feel to be in my position? To know that you can't even let yourself get close to a guy/girl because your self esteem is so low, you fear s/he might take one look at your body and run a million miles away? No. Because you're comfortable with your body, even if you weren't at first, you've built the courage up and now you don't care if your fella see's you naked. Any of you. So you can laugh, take the piss, do what you like. I'll laugh along, as I always do. Because it's the only way I can deal with it. But remember this. Everytime you laugh at the way I look (considering you're all meant to be my friends), or the way I am, a little piece of me dies inside, and eventually you'll laugh once too often, and I'll be gone. You'll never see me again. You'll mourn, and say 'aww she was a laugh' or 'I'll miss her'. If that's the case, stop taking the piss now. Then you won't have to miss me. I'll be around for as long as I can.

A heart can't break if it's never been whole to begin with. So don't tell me I'm breaking your heart. You've never really cared.

*face/palm*

There are so many people in my life at the moment that should just fuck off. I don't need it. All I'm getting is grief. I'm nearly 20 for fucks sake! Let me live my life please! I don't want to do shitty family shitty fucking stuff. I don't do touchy feely nonsense crap so don't try to butter me up that way unless you'd like to try digesting your own teeth! I'm not violent, really I'm not. But fuck me, I might just turn that way if things carry on the way they are. I don't need people telling me how I should live my life. I don't need people telling me how 'things should change'. I don't need people telling me my fucking attitude fucking stinks! I'm sure it fucking does, but if you don't like it, you can fuck off! Tell someone who gives a fucking crap!

I'm sorry. I am, but not to those who don't deserve an apology. And I don't usually swear this much. But for anyone who reads this, and thinks 'Hmm, is she talking about me?' Damn fucking right I am. You know who you are. If you're really not sure; find the fuck out. Then you'll realise just how fucking bad you made me feel, and the ones I love.

You're an arsehole, and guess what? You've lost one of the only people who really, and I mean really gave a fuck about you. So live with it.

2009. Same shit, different year.

This year started with a bang. No, really. Some little kid thumped an older guy, who then put him on the floor. The resulting scene was like one from a cartoon. You know the ones, where there's a big cloud and all you can see are fists and legs coming from it? That's the one.

Seriously though, I can't see this year going any better than last year. I'll make friends, I'll lose friends, I'll stay with my guy or I won't. Like I said, same shit, different year.

One thing that has changed is me. I feel different, I can't really explain it, nor can I prove it with an example. I don't feel more confident, I don't feel more happy. I just feel different. Not in a bad way, but not in a good way (told you I can't explain it). It's weird, but hey ho, maybe it's for the better. It has to be for the better.

Right?

I hate nights out.

Which is exactly why I haven't gone to tonights 'staff nite out' with the girls from work. They bore me. I'm not so interested in going out and getting pissed. It does my fucking head in, and half the time, I end up snogging some complete stranger. Which is fun at the time, until I get a text the next day.. 'Hey babe, remember me?'

Uh, no?

Anyways, I'm in a relationship now, so I can't do that anymore. The only thing I like doing when out is dancing, and I have a big enough bedroom for that. Thanks, but no thanks. I'd much rather sit indoors with a few friends and get hilariously drunk that way. Then, I can just stumble to bed when I'm tired and not have to worry about sitting outside a taxi rank waiting for a cab that's never going to arrive because I've forgotten to order it in the first place.

My God. Nights out are so over rated!

For once, my heart and mind are saying the same thing.

And that is that I should go for who I want. I'm worried that if I go for it, I'll get rejected. And if I don't, that my mind will tell me it's not what I want, when my heart tells me it is. I know it is, but my mind always takes control. I wish my heart was a bit stronger. The person I want is someone I've messed around before, and I know that they'll think I'll do the same again.

Thing is, it won't. And I really really want this. I don't think I could stand it if this person rejected me. We're friends, and although we haven't seen each other in ages, I really like this guy. I fancy guys all the time, and nothing ever comes of it, purely because I don't want it to. I love this guy, I never stopped. but it's like, when I'm with him, my mind tells me I don't want to be in a relationship, when I know I do.

Before, I was petrified of being alone with him, I was worried that, even though I knew he wouldn't do anything, I would do something, and then regret it. I was petrified of meeting his family and friends, I'm not good with new people, especially if they are a boyfriends parents or friends. From past experiences, I've learned not to get too close to someone so quickly, and the quicker I get close to someone, the more likely it is that one of us will get hurt. I pushed him away before, and it worked. But I don't want to push him away anymore. I want to be with him, to let him know how much I really do love him. I've never felt this way about anyone before. This time, my heart and mind are telling me to go for it. But I'm not sure.

Take chances, I know I know, but still, it feels like if I take this chance and ruin it, it might end the friendship we have. That is the last thing I want. So what do I do? Leave it? I don't know, he'll find someone else, and then I'll hurt. Go for it? I don't know, if he says no (which is more than likely the answer I'll get) I'll also be hurt.

Damn.