If Only Tears Could Bring You Back.

How will I start

Tomorrow without you here

Who's heart will guide me

When all the answers disappear

Is it too late

Are you too far gone to stay

This one's forever

Should never have to go away

What will I do

You know I'm only half without you

How will I make it through

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give

If you returned to me someday

Somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

I'd cry you an ocean

If you'd sail on home again

Waves of emotion

Will carry you, I know they can

Just love will guide you

And your heart will chart the course

Soon you'll be drifting

Into the arms of your true north

Look in my eyes

And you will see a million tears have gone by

And still they're not dry

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give

If you returned to me someday

Somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

I hold you close

And shout the words I only whispered before

For one more chance, for one last dance

There's not a thing I would not endure

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give

If you returned to me someday

Somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

That's it, no more.

I can't take anymore. I need some space. I need some peace and quiet. Imagine how it feels, to go away and have a fantastic couple of days, then come back to what seems to have turned into WW3! All I want to do is sit back, and enjoy the serenity the world has to offer. Just for a week or so. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to have to spend my holiday tidying up after everyone elses mess, or getting up a the crack of a sparrow's fart to make sure someone else is up for work. Please, I want to have my own mind, my own life. Just to live how I want to. I want to be asked for my opinion, and, when I give it, I want it listened to, not just dismissed like I've said nothing. If you listened to me, just once, you'd know how I hurt inside, you'd know how I want it to stop.

I don't want all the attention, but I don't want to be completely pushed away from everything. I just want to be acknowledged. Not taken the piss out of, that's not acknowledged, that's patronised. And if you're going to do that, you can fuck off out of my life right now. I don't need people like you. I need people who mean it when they say they care about me. People who don't just use me for help, or think it's ok to take the piss out of me.

I'm well aware this is turning into a rant, but I couldn't give two fucks. This is the one chance I get to say what I think and feel, and hope to whatever God there may be, that the person/people it's aimed at, pay attention. My condition (PCOS), yes, it has some funny symptoms, but they're funny for you. Not me. Ever thought how it might feel to be in my position? To know that you can't even let yourself get close to a guy/girl because your self esteem is so low, you fear s/he might take one look at your body and run a million miles away? No. Because you're comfortable with your body, even if you weren't at first, you've built the courage up and now you don't care if your fella see's you naked. Any of you. So you can laugh, take the piss, do what you like. I'll laugh along, as I always do. Because it's the only way I can deal with it. But remember this. Everytime you laugh at the way I look (considering you're all meant to be my friends), or the way I am, a little piece of me dies inside, and eventually you'll laugh once too often, and I'll be gone. You'll never see me again. You'll mourn, and say 'aww she was a laugh' or 'I'll miss her'. If that's the case, stop taking the piss now. Then you won't have to miss me. I'll be around for as long as I can.

A heart can't break if it's never been whole to begin with. So don't tell me I'm breaking your heart. You've never really cared.

*face/palm*

There are so many people in my life at the moment that should just fuck off. I don't need it. All I'm getting is grief. I'm nearly 20 for fucks sake! Let me live my life please! I don't want to do shitty family shitty fucking stuff. I don't do touchy feely nonsense crap so don't try to butter me up that way unless you'd like to try digesting your own teeth! I'm not violent, really I'm not. But fuck me, I might just turn that way if things carry on the way they are. I don't need people telling me how I should live my life. I don't need people telling me how 'things should change'. I don't need people telling me my fucking attitude fucking stinks! I'm sure it fucking does, but if you don't like it, you can fuck off! Tell someone who gives a fucking crap!

I'm sorry. I am, but not to those who don't deserve an apology. And I don't usually swear this much. But for anyone who reads this, and thinks 'Hmm, is she talking about me?' Damn fucking right I am. You know who you are. If you're really not sure; find the fuck out. Then you'll realise just how fucking bad you made me feel, and the ones I love.

You're an arsehole, and guess what? You've lost one of the only people who really, and I mean really gave a fuck about you. So live with it.

2009. Same shit, different year.

This year started with a bang. No, really. Some little kid thumped an older guy, who then put him on the floor. The resulting scene was like one from a cartoon. You know the ones, where there's a big cloud and all you can see are fists and legs coming from it? That's the one.

Seriously though, I can't see this year going any better than last year. I'll make friends, I'll lose friends, I'll stay with my guy or I won't. Like I said, same shit, different year.

One thing that has changed is me. I feel different, I can't really explain it, nor can I prove it with an example. I don't feel more confident, I don't feel more happy. I just feel different. Not in a bad way, but not in a good way (told you I can't explain it). It's weird, but hey ho, maybe it's for the better. It has to be for the better.

Right?

I hate nights out.

Which is exactly why I haven't gone to tonights 'staff nite out' with the girls from work. They bore me. I'm not so interested in going out and getting pissed. It does my fucking head in, and half the time, I end up snogging some complete stranger. Which is fun at the time, until I get a text the next day.. 'Hey babe, remember me?'

Uh, no?

Anyways, I'm in a relationship now, so I can't do that anymore. The only thing I like doing when out is dancing, and I have a big enough bedroom for that. Thanks, but no thanks. I'd much rather sit indoors with a few friends and get hilariously drunk that way. Then, I can just stumble to bed when I'm tired and not have to worry about sitting outside a taxi rank waiting for a cab that's never going to arrive because I've forgotten to order it in the first place.

My God. Nights out are so over rated!

For once, my heart and mind are saying the same thing.

And that is that I should go for who I want. I'm worried that if I go for it, I'll get rejected. And if I don't, that my mind will tell me it's not what I want, when my heart tells me it is. I know it is, but my mind always takes control. I wish my heart was a bit stronger. The person I want is someone I've messed around before, and I know that they'll think I'll do the same again.

Thing is, it won't. And I really really want this. I don't think I could stand it if this person rejected me. We're friends, and although we haven't seen each other in ages, I really like this guy. I fancy guys all the time, and nothing ever comes of it, purely because I don't want it to. I love this guy, I never stopped. but it's like, when I'm with him, my mind tells me I don't want to be in a relationship, when I know I do.

Before, I was petrified of being alone with him, I was worried that, even though I knew he wouldn't do anything, I would do something, and then regret it. I was petrified of meeting his family and friends, I'm not good with new people, especially if they are a boyfriends parents or friends. From past experiences, I've learned not to get too close to someone so quickly, and the quicker I get close to someone, the more likely it is that one of us will get hurt. I pushed him away before, and it worked. But I don't want to push him away anymore. I want to be with him, to let him know how much I really do love him. I've never felt this way about anyone before. This time, my heart and mind are telling me to go for it. But I'm not sure.

Take chances, I know I know, but still, it feels like if I take this chance and ruin it, it might end the friendship we have. That is the last thing I want. So what do I do? Leave it? I don't know, he'll find someone else, and then I'll hurt. Go for it? I don't know, if he says no (which is more than likely the answer I'll get) I'll also be hurt.

Damn.

This world is no longer safe.

You know why? Because in the last two months, one kid has been killed near the village I live in, another's remains were found not far from where I live, a baby has been killed, and two kids have been killed up North.

What is wrong with the world these days? People are getting killed, and the 'Breaking News' is that some celebrities have offended a few people that really don't matter in this world!

A young boy, who my sister knew, was hit by a train last week, and not once have I heard it on the news! All I hear is celebrity this, and celebrity that. I'm sick of it.

So parents, keep your kids inside, don't let them near any strangers. And don't let them out alone after dark.

It's for their own safety.

The Beeb have done it again....

I say Go Jezza! Sod all the poncey little nancy boys who can't take a joke! If you are a Lorry driver, (Or a prostitute for that matter) and you didn't like the joke, then don't work in that industry! And really, is there actually a spokeswoman for prostitutes? If so, she should be shot.

In this day and age, no job is safe from mockery, being a care worker, I understand that fully. I know that people take the piss and say: 'You're only a care worker if you got shit grades at school.' And you know what? It doesn't offend me because 9 times outta 10, they're right! If you're a lorry driver (or even a long distance driver) you're going to be connected with prostitutes and their murders because a couple of famous killers were long distance drivers. So what? You should have known that long before you got into that business. I mean geez. 188 complaints? Grow the fuck up! This is exactly the same as the RB & JR thing that went on a few weeks ago, and if you read that post, you'll know my feelings on it all.

So help me lord, if they get rid of Jezza, I might begin to play with matches.

BREAKING NEWS: Jonathon Ross has been suspended........... And?

What about all the people who are dying in the world? What about the wars? What about famine, Global Warming, ThirdWorld Country Poverty, AIDS? What is wrong with the world?! How is Jonathon Ross being suspended for 12 weeks withough pay, 'Breaking News'?!

I saw a paper just today where Mr Sachs' so called 'distraught' grand-daughter claims that Russell Brand said 'Que?' in bed! How devastated must she be to be selling stories like that?! She looks like nothing more than a cheap slut! And I'm sorry if that offends you, maybe you should get me suspended without pay too! Or just create so much media carnage to make me want to quit. If you like her, I'm sorry, really I am, but this is just a ploy for media attention because no-one had heard of her before hand, but now everyone knows who she is. Good to make a quick buck eh love?! The media now need to sort out their priorities, Russell Brand, stating the obvious, on some guys answer machine, is not fucking breaking news!

P.S. I love Andrew Sachs, he was a great actor in Fawlty Towers and I admire him. But he has said he isn't out for revenge, so maybe he should slap his grand-daughter round the face and tell her to reign it in. The slut.

It's Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaaaaaas!!

Ok, so it's not. But it nearly is, and that's good enough for me!

I spent the majority of this afternoon listening to all my favourite christmas songs. Why? I dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And I'm still listening to them now. Because they're cool *smug*.

I know it's just under 2 months away, but still, I'm really looking forward to getting our tree. It's tradition, every year, me, my mum and my sister, go to a farm where they sell them, argue over which one to buy, end up buying the 8 ft tall one, knowing full well it won't get into the house and then having to chop it in half. But it's fun. Now this is all done on the first Saturday in December.

When we get him home, (him being the tree, it's always named after a guy. Again, no, I don't know why. Our tradition) we set him up and decorate him. Before this point, one of us finds out our Bing Crosby (a singing statue) and our window lights. After putting them up, we put on the double CD of christmas songs, full blast. Then we throw baubleas at each other and decorate the tree.

Now I've bored you all with that, I'm going to listen to some Slade. =]

Life is precious, so treasure it.

Recently, the remains of a young girl were found not far from where I live. About two weeks ago, some young children were playing in the woods by the lake when they found the bones. Naturally, the police were called and from then until last night, their vans, cars and CCTV units have been parked along the NSL road. News came out about a day after they were found, and forensics suspected it to be a 14 year old girl. Since then, new light has been shed on her identity. She was a local girl, 19 years of age, which is my age, not 14. She had a young child and her whole life ahead of her. To think that such a diabolical thing has happened in my home town is unbelievable.

Since this has happened, it has made me realise that it doesn't matter how old you are, you need to grab life by the nuts, and say: 'I'm going to live you until you're spent.' Which in some cases, is easier said than done.

Make your dreams a reality. Dreams don't come true, they stay dreams. Put them into action, and work to achieve what you want to achieve. At least then you can say that you've lived your life, not sat indoors and watched it pass by with everyone else.

So R.I.P young woman, and may the afterlife treat you a damn sight better than this one did.

It's over..... For me anyway

Ok, secretly, I have been holding onto a hope that I might be unbanned from the Pievy, as much as I said I was ok with it and that it's their loss, it was all a show, because somewhere inside, I told myself that it wasn't forever, it was just for a while, and that soon I'd be let back in. I've completely lost track of how long ago it was now. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going back, no matter how much I want to say I'm sorry, no matter how much people hint their disapproval and no matter how much people may want me back. It's not going to happen. So thank you to all those who changed their names, but you may as well put them back, it was such a kind thing to do, but it seems to have had no effect. I'm not sure how many of the girls/guys of The Pievy read this, but someone please pass my apologies onto the person I argued with, and the admin.

I'm sorry that I caused and argument, I'm sorry that I was a complete childish bitch, I'm sorry that people felt I was patronising them, I'm sorry I'm not coming back.

Just remeber, I'll always be a Cock and Spanners girl, a Cowgirl, a Musketeer, a weird Clarkson fancier, a stubborn argumentative cowbag and a Pievert at heart.

x

The Blue Pill.... Sell it to me...

Or not. I'm female, or did my e-mail address not give that away?

Why is it these days, companies are insistant on selling you their products through e-mail? More to the bloody point, how the fuck did a Viagra company get my e-mail address?! I'd like to know what kind of a stalker person (who clearly thinks that females need help getting a hard on) goes through e-mail addresses and thinks 'Hmm, I know, I'll sell this person erection pills, because, clearly, she needs them, just look at her e-mail address, says it all!' I don't need Viagra, I don't have a boyfriend. Even if I did, I don't think that presenting him with a packet of 'The Blue Pill' for his birthday would do our relationship (or his self esteem for that matter) any good. So here's an idea, don't e-mail me your shit. If I want to buy it, I'll come to you, that's the way it usually works.

*rolls eyes*

Knobheads.

X Factor.... Is that what they call it?

This time next year, I'll either be bitching about all the people who made it through to the live finals when I didn't, or I'll be on the live finals singing my heart out and being brown nosed by all the people who used to pick on me when I was at school. Either way, I'll be happy. If I try and fail, at least I've tried, if I try and succeed, I'll be doing something I love.

I can rest assured, if I actually make it to the televised auditions, I'll have plenty of people to back me up. Regardless of whether I make it or not past that stage.

This idea all came about when I started to watch this years X Factor, I was horrified at some of the people who auditioned and got through! Now, I'm not the best singer in the world, and this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppdLeQcej2Y can prove that. But last years competitors were so much better than this years! I don't know what's happened. All the people who can't sing were rounded up in a little field and whipped with a stick, whilst being told they were the best Britain had ever seen and they should all enter into the X Factor. Yes, I do mean they were brainwashed. There is no other explanation for it.

So I say now: Simon Cowell! Watch your back, for this time next year, you'll be flat on it!

Hmmm, that could've been phrased better.......

Fallen angel? Or just a helpful teen?

The latter is possible y'know.

Someone told me the other day that I was an Angel, and that I must have fallen from heaven. Now before I start let me just say this: No, it wasn't a client from work, and no, it wasn't a guy trying to get in my pants. It was a little old lady in the street. Don't get the wrong idea, she didn't just walk up to me and say it for no reason. She was having trouble picking up her senior citizens card, or whatever it's called these days. So I picked it up for her and asked her if she was ok. The look on her face when I walked up to her, it's almost like she expected me to push her over, steal her wallet and run away! She was so completely grateful when I didn't that she almost cried.

I can only imagine what it must be like for an elderly person like her. I know what some teenagers are like these days, I also know that they terrorise old people, because they think it's funny. Well, it's not, it's not cool and it doesn't make you 'hard'. You are picking on someone who cannot defend themselves, which I know full well, is the reason you do it. I bet if someone came up to you with a knife and said: 'Start on my grandma now punk.' You'd shit your pants and run away.

Being a teenager (even though this time next year, I'll no longer be a teen) is tough, especially if you are one of the good guys/gals. Not every teen is hell bent on sniffing coke and smoking weed, whilst hanging around on a street corner lobbing glass bottles and bricks at people/cars/houses/animals. The thing people have to remember, is that sterotyping is not always a good thing. It makes life hard for the good people in this world. The old woman was a perfect example, she'd obviously heard about/had bad experiences with teenagers, and just assumed they were all like it. Then she met me and her opinions changed. I just hope she realises that not all teens are out to get you. But that doesn't mean that there aren't any at all.

Teens like me are hard to find.

For the friends who are true, the ones who stay with you till the end.

This blog is purely dedicated to the girls at The Pievy. If you aren't interested, don't read it. I'd like to thank all of the ones who have stuck by me, all the ones who really cared. You know who you are. You've made my being banned all the easier on me. Alison, I'm so sorry, I hope your demotion wasn't caused by me. You've all stuck with me, and though I'm no longer there, you've still kept in touch. I don't want this to sound like I've moved country or anything but that place was like my second home and none of you realise how much it means to me to realise that you weren't just forum friends, you are true friends. And for that I thank you.

Now, I don't do mushy, so let me balance this up. You are all the craziest bunch of weirdos in the world, which is probably why we get on so well =D The best thing is, I know, if I ever cross paths with you again (unlikely unless it's Rhapsody) that I'll cry and crush hug you all until you are dead.

Fin.

Hey, look, I did something wrong..... again.

I've been banned from my Holy Grail of the internet. Why? Because I had an opinion. Because that opinion was different to others. I've been told it was because I was disrespectful, which, to my knowledge, isn't true. Unless the other half of this problem has made me out to be worse than I am. In which case. ABUSE OF POWERS LOVE! I used to love that place. Everyone went along so nicely. Quite happy in the knowledge that it was a closed circle of friends *cough* sorry 'friends' that got on. If I'm honest, me and this other person have never really got on. We disliked each other from day one, and avoided posting to each other whenever possible. When we met, it confirmed our fears, we really didn't like each other.

I really wouldn't mind if I was a constant pain in the arse on this place. But it's the first time I've been in trouble. I asked them to ban me, yes, I did, if they thought I was being a pain. But nothing was done. I then recieve a private message from the administrator telling me that 'one more strike, you're out'. I then went to apologise for the way things had gone and as I sent it, I was received by a screen which read:

'Sorry, but you have been banned from this forum.'

C'MON! It was just a heated debate! I wasn't the one throwing patronising comments around! I wasn't the one who said someone elses opinion was wrong! So why was I the one who was punished?! Not one person said to me 'That's your opinion, I don't agree with it, but it's your opinion none the less'.

It sucks!

Summer has come and..... wait, it was here?

For some reason, we appear not to have had a summer this year. Yeah, sure, we had a few hot days about two months ago, but what about now?! It's getting colder by the day! I wake up in the mornings with an icicle hanging from each toe. Ok, so the fact I don't have a radiator in my bedroom contributes majorly to that. No, I don't know why I have no radiator. Did I build the house? Exactly.

This poor world will spontaniously combust one day, it doesn't know whether to be hot, cold or just right. And whatever decision it makes, it'll always be the wrong one. Take for example a picnic I went to at the end of August. We all had a fantastic time, no doubt about it, but the weather just happened to be 90 degrees the day before, 9 degrees on the actual day and then about 90 degrees the day after. What did we do to deserve that? And the worst thing is, the person who held the picnic is green! She recycles, uses her own fire for hot water etc. I mean what more could she do to protect the earth? But no, it had to go and pour didn't it.

Bastard.

It's all fun and games, until someone gets hurt.

Life can be cruel sometimes. It can really affect the way people behave, react and think. Lately I've come to the conclusion that being kind if you don't mean it gets you no-where. So I've started telling it as it is. If I don't agree, and someone doesn't like it, tough shit. Do I care? No. If I burn a bridge with someone, I can't say I'm bothered. If there really is no way of it being truely re-built, they weren't a friend to begin with. If they have done something you disagree with. Don't pretend you are ok with it. It doesn't help. The amount of times I've said that I don't mind people doing it when in fact I could have shot them for doing it is unbelievable.

This situation has now got so bad, that I've had to do something about it. Bye bye Miss Nice Girl; Hello Miss I Don't Give A Shit Whether You Like My Opinions Or Not, This Is How It Is.

Me, my best friend, 3 dogs, 2 cats and a snake.

Not to mention 5 goats, 7 chickens, 8 horses, and quite a few bats. Life on the farm is fun! The early mornings do me good because I don't sleep for half the day and feel like a sack of shit for the other half. I get plenty of exercise because the Mares are in a field that it takes a good 10 minutes (for me at least) to walk to. The Geldings are down a 87% hill (Not exaggerating much) so thats a chore to walk up. But at the end of the day, I don't feel like crap, which suprises me. I'm not the fittest person in the world, but I find it quite easy to do all this walking.

I can't remember the last time (other than coming here before) I was so far away from home, with no contact to my mum or family. It's fantastic! I don't get any signal on my phone (which is good in some cases, not in others. Not to mention its a heap of shit. Or so April tells me :p) so I don't get any silly calls from people for pathetic reasons, like: 'Can I borrow a DVD please?'. Why ask me that, when I know full well you've already gone into my room, taken 5 DVD's, played on my games console, slept in my bed and listened to my CD's? Honestly.

The only downside about being here is that I don't know the town too well, and won't leave the house through fear of getting lost. I know, I know, ask for directions, but when it comes to things like that (or most things, come to think of it) I'm like a bloke. I won't ask for directions, 'cause it bruises my ego. I'll use a sat nav, that's different. It can't mock you for not knowing where you're going, especially when half the time it takes you in completely the wrong direction anyway, or tells you to turn off of one of the busiest roundabouts you've ever been on, when there is no turning.

Sat navs really suck sometimes. Let me give you an example. I am at a farm in Surrey ok? Now, the last time I came here, I set it up on the fastest route on my TomTom. It said it would take 2 hrs and 30 mins. Which I thought nothing of, until I did the same thing Sunday evening to get here and the fastest route said 1 hr 30 mins. So why did it take so long the first time? It can't be the traffic, because I was held up more on Sunday evening than I was the first time I came. I didn't mind because I had someone else in the car with me and she kept me company (obviously). I don't really like sat navs, they suck. Period.